My Legacy

My Mindless (mindful?) Blatherings:   So I've been trying to get my life more focused lately because I've felt pretty out of control for a while.  One of the things I have been working on the last month or two is "How do I want to be remembered?"  What legacy do I want to leave and how do I want people to think of me after I am gone.  And then I am trying to put those things into practice in my life.

My kids are a big part of that.  I want them to know that they are loved, and never doubt that.  I want to be able to take care of them, give them a variety of experiences in life and raise them to be good men.  I want them to be confident, loving, and adventurous.  I want them to know they always have an accepting home to return to .

I want to find the things that make me happy and have the courage to pursue them.  I want to do the best that I can in this life, but still forgive myself if I make mistakes along the way.  I want people to know what I genuinely cared for and see that I followed through with it.  I want to be someone that appreciates the good things that came her way instead of wishing for things I didn't have.  (That is one of the hardest ones for me...or atleast one I work on nearly every day.)

I want to be someone that is always working to make myself better.  I need to release my resentments and anger at things that have happened in the past.  I want to be someone that trusts people again.  I want to stop withholding things from people and be open and have faith in others.  I don't want to be remembered as someone with a bunch of walls up.  I want to be happy and loving and try to guide others to make the world a kinder place.  

All these things require that I am mindful of what I do with my days.  I try to be mindful of how I deal with my kids, I try to be mindful of how I approach my schooling, I try to be mindful of how I approach my relationship with you.  

I appreciate every single smile and laugh and true connection we have.  I enjoy my time with you immensely and want so much more from you.  And that's where I start to worry.  I want so much more.  I am trying to accept what is, what we have, without wanting more.  It is hard for me.  I am so ready to dive in deep with you and yet part of me is holding back because I am so afraid you may never be ready for that. I don't want to push you into anything just to lose the exquisite joys I get being with you now.  I hold back because I don't want that kind of disappointment.  

The thought of you living so close, or even visiting a site close to me sent so many endorphins and so much dopamine through my body last night that I couldn't sleep because my whole body was literally trembling with excitement and happiness for hours and unable to stop from overload.  That physical outpouring is not something I can stop.  Just the thought of you being closer inspires me and gives me so much unbridled hope. My fantasies run wild.  

I am honestly not sure how I would be able to cope having you so close and still having our relationship confined to just one little box.  For that reason I have appreciated the distance this past year, it has allowed me to slow down and keep a mini safety wall up when I am already somewhat vulnerable.  

But ultimately I want something different.  I don't want my walls up with someone I love.  I don't want the happiness I have in a relationship confined to a box.  

I want so much more in my life.  My life is getting better every day and being able to say I am living with intention is the greatest accomplishment I've made in a while.  Obviously I still work at it every day...some things are harder than others.  

Whew, didn't mean to say all that.  I just get into a writing mood and go forever sometimes!  

My boys

Embracing having a full on love fest with my kiddos today.  So much fun!  Took Wyatt out of daycare since I had nothing on my schedule today and I spent the day with him alone.  Can't say the last time I did that.  I always have both of them usually.

Anyways, it was major flashbacks to when I was home with just Peter.  That was a nice time for me.  We went to breakfast together, went to a playgroup, did storytime at the library, came home for naptime and didn't get one (boo!), then picked up Peter and went to play at the park.

I never got to do much stuff with Wyatt.  With Peter I went to all kinds of baby groups and made friends there.  And Peter and I spent 24/7 with each other every day until he was 3 years old.  He will always be MY little boy.  We know each other so well.

With Wyatt I couldn't drag big bro bouncy Peter anywhere so I always felt guilty Wyatt missed out.  Silly little things to worry about.  But between that and having a dad that was completely checked out and a mom that was just trying to mentally survive I think I will always have guilt that he missed out on some things in babyhood.

Anyways today was fun.  Wyatt was a good boy at playing and we had lots of smiles.  When we had circle time and had to get up and do the hokey pokey he sat on his butt and looked at everyone like they were crazy.  Made me laugh.

He is definitely a complete goof.  He likes to play pretend, color, and listen to stories.  Amazing how brothers can be so different.  Peter didn't have the patience for those things.

Rage

Pure blind venomous rage!!!  A few hours ago I asked John if he wanted to pick up Peter (because Peter specifically asked for him) and he said sure.

Fast forward to 3:20 and I get a call from school saying no one had picked him up and my little boy was sitting in the principals office alone.

WTF?!?!?!

Not only do I look like a crappy parent, not only did he make a commitment to me and bail, but my little boy gets to feel that shitty feeling and be reminded again that his dad doesn't care and make him a priority.  Makes me feel like I can't count on anyone but myself and that is a crappy feeling.  And the even crappier feeling is making me feel like the kids can't count on their own dad.

How many fucking chances am I supposed to give?!?!?  How many times am I supposed to look at my little boys face and say "Sorry, your dad..."  Hell, I don't even know WHAT to say anymore.  I can only gloss over shit so many times.

Sorry he doesn't know the name of your school...
Sorry he'd rather drink than go to the park...
Sorry we have to miss gymnastics class to pick up dad from jail...
Sorry he doesn't know your friends names...
Sorry he doesn't know your favorite books...
Sorry he doesn't know that PG-13 means you probably shouldn't watch it...
Sorry he doesn't know that when he spends 1 hour with you a week he probably shouldn't be a grump and yelling at you for that entire hour...
Sorry he doesn't know what you are allergic to...
Sorry he doesn't know what size clothes you wear...
Sorry he doesn't know your favorite color...
Sorry he can't remember to pick you up from school...

I am SO SORRY my little ones that your dad chooses to be something else.

I expect that if you care about someone you will PAY ATTENTION.  Life and love are not about coasting through and just coming and going whenever you feel like it and hurting people along the way.  Love is about being there.  Love is about knowing the "stuff".  Love is about making another person feel happy and secure and safe.  I deserve that.  My kids deserve it even more.  I am tired of this shit happening to them.

Of everything I have seen

“Of everything I have seen, 
it's you I want to go on seeing: 
of everything I've touched, 
it's your flesh I want to go on touching. 
I love your orange laughter. 
I am moved by the sight of you sleeping. 

What am I to do, love, loved one? 
I don't know how others love 
or how people loved in the past. 
I live, watching you, loving you. 
Being in love is my nature.” 
― Pablo Neruda

He who becomes the slave of habit

“He who becomes the slave of habit,
who follows the same routes every day,
who never changes pace,
who does not risk and change the color of his clothes,
who does not speak and does not experience,
dies slowly.

He or she who shuns passion,
who prefers black on white,
dotting ones "it’s" rather than a bundle of emotions, the kind that make your eyes glimmer,
that turn a yawn into a smile,
that make the heart pound in the face of mistakes and feelings,
dies slowly.

He or she who does not turn things topsy-turvy,
who is unhappy at work,
who does not risk certainty for uncertainty,
to thus follow a dream,
those who do not forego sound advice at least once in their lives,
die slowly.

He who does not travel, who does not read,
who does not listen to music,
who does not find grace in himself,
she who does not find grace in herself,
dies slowly.

He who slowly destroys his own self-esteem,
who does not allow himself to be helped,
who spends days on end complaining about his own bad luck, about the rain that never stops,
dies slowly.

He or she who abandon a project before starting it, who fail to ask questions on subjects he doesn't know, he or she who don't reply when they are asked something they do know,
die slowly.

Let's try and avoid death in small doses,
reminding oneself that being alive requires an effort far greater than the simple fact of breathing.

Only a burning patience will lead
to the attainment of a splendid happiness.” 
― Pablo Neruda

My Mistake

I feel like one of my biggest mistakes the last time was me not focusing exclusively on building and growing my relationship with you.  I was in my own head a lot and didn't respect that you (and we) needed to heal whatever had happened between us before you moved in and to also establish a solid trusting baseline to start out on.  Our relationship was still unstable and I didn't recognize or value that.

Instead I applied whatever John and I had agreed on in our 10 year relationship to a brand-new relationship with you and that was wrong.  I know that now.  So stupid.  You and I were an entirely different relationship with entirely different expectations and rules that needed discovered, and entirely different levels of trust that still needed to be built.

I recognize now that me going out with other guys probably really fucked with your head and confused you. I felt a shift in you after that and I just kinda brushed it aside when I really should have done something.  I can't even explain it now except that it was just how I was living right then and I didn't stop to process that I needed to change.

I'm sorry that I risked losing you over such stupid actions on my part.  I'm sorry I hurt you because you SO do not deserve it.  I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough to talk to you about it or make the changes that I needed to make over the years.  I'm sorry that I didn't recognize how amazingly special your love is.  I'm sorry that it made you feel like I wasn't 100% devoted to you and to us.

I want this time to be different.  I understand now.

I understand that what I am able to get from you is so much more important to me than what I could get from anyone else.  The warmth and happiness I feel when I am with you is incomparable to anyone else on this planet.  The ways that you love me and take care of me and comfort me go so much deeper.  You have inspired me to get healthier, do better at my job, be a better mom, be a better woman, and to explore my own definition of love.  Most of these you have done several times over the years.  Everything you have ever done for me has made me into a better person.

I am so grateful.  Whether you know it or not you have formed a significant part of who I am as a woman.

I want you to know how important you are to me and how I value every moment.  I want you to know that you are the only one that I desire.  I want you to know that everything that you are is the amazing person I want by my side.  I want you to know that you are the only one I want to share my life with.  I don't want to fuck that up by having insignificant other people in my life.  I want our relationship right now to be closed and tight and have that solid foundation that it will need to go the long haul because I want you around for a while.

My Love

My favorite thing about you is:
Your intelligence, your sense of humor, your values, your talents

I'm most attracted to you when you are:
Talking or Making something.  I love hearing or seeing how your mind works.

The thing that first attracted me to you was:
You make me smile.  You have a quality inside you sometimes that your entire body just comes alive and you sparkle with this amazing personality that inspires me to enjoy life to the fullest!

The proudest I've ever been of you was:
When you went with me to the poly meeting in Tucson.  That in itself I was proud of you...but then you started explaining our relationship and our history to people.  You spoke with such confidence and I felt like you were truly understanding me and invested in us.  I could not have been prouder of the intelligence and heartfeltness you displayed.  I think I fell in love with you all over again.

You don't know it, but I love it when you:
Order my drinks or my food simply because you pay attention to what I like.  :)

I love watching you:
Period.  I just love watching you.

You are funniest when you:
Apparently right after you have some coffee!!  I was about to pee my pants I was laughing so hard!

My favorite little habit of yours is:
That you buy a lotto ticket and spend the rest of the night looking up things you will buy with your winnings.

The thing I'd like to know about you the most is:
Just where your head and your heart are right now.  I am curious to hear the raw processing of the information in your head.  I know you love me.  I just don't know what that means for us right now.  I wish I knew what you wanted.  I know what I want and though I have hinted at things I have never had any response from you and that makes me worried and scared that perhaps we are not on the same page or in the same book.

The closest you've come to losing me was when you:
Heck, we did lose each other for years.  And a big chunk of that was because we weren't communicating what was going on in our heads and our hearts.  Really hoping we have grown and learned a few things so that doesn't happen again.

I'm worried that I don't do this well enough for you:
Have patience.  :D

When we're in public I love it when you:
Kiss me, hold a door for me, put your arm around me.  I was in heaven when that lady was taking our picture at the Space Needle and you put your arm around me for the pic.  <3

When we're in public I dislike it when you:
Walk like 5 feet ahead of me and I'm rushing to keep up with you.  I feel like you forgot about me!

My favorite thing you do in the morning is:
Make coffee...missed the smell of that.

My favorite thing you do before bed is:
Watch Voyager.  Yes, I know you have changed shows but since I was about 14 years old I watched versions of Star Trek to fall asleep to.  Finding out that's what you were doing made me warm and fuzzy inside.

My favorite part of your body is your:
Face.  Sparkling eyes and smiling lips I can kiss.  After that your hands.  I like to look at our fingers tangled together as we hold hands.

I love it when I catch you:
Singing or laughing.  Singing makes me swoon...laughing makes my heart happy.