My Legacy

My Mindless (mindful?) Blatherings:   So I've been trying to get my life more focused lately because I've felt pretty out of control for a while.  One of the things I have been working on the last month or two is "How do I want to be remembered?"  What legacy do I want to leave and how do I want people to think of me after I am gone.  And then I am trying to put those things into practice in my life.

My kids are a big part of that.  I want them to know that they are loved, and never doubt that.  I want to be able to take care of them, give them a variety of experiences in life and raise them to be good men.  I want them to be confident, loving, and adventurous.  I want them to know they always have an accepting home to return to .

I want to find the things that make me happy and have the courage to pursue them.  I want to do the best that I can in this life, but still forgive myself if I make mistakes along the way.  I want people to know what I genuinely cared for and see that I followed through with it.  I want to be someone that appreciates the good things that came her way instead of wishing for things I didn't have.  (That is one of the hardest ones for me...or atleast one I work on nearly every day.)

I want to be someone that is always working to make myself better.  I need to release my resentments and anger at things that have happened in the past.  I want to be someone that trusts people again.  I want to stop withholding things from people and be open and have faith in others.  I don't want to be remembered as someone with a bunch of walls up.  I want to be happy and loving and try to guide others to make the world a kinder place.  

All these things require that I am mindful of what I do with my days.  I try to be mindful of how I deal with my kids, I try to be mindful of how I approach my schooling, I try to be mindful of how I approach my relationship with you.  

I appreciate every single smile and laugh and true connection we have.  I enjoy my time with you immensely and want so much more from you.  And that's where I start to worry.  I want so much more.  I am trying to accept what is, what we have, without wanting more.  It is hard for me.  I am so ready to dive in deep with you and yet part of me is holding back because I am so afraid you may never be ready for that. I don't want to push you into anything just to lose the exquisite joys I get being with you now.  I hold back because I don't want that kind of disappointment.  

The thought of you living so close, or even visiting a site close to me sent so many endorphins and so much dopamine through my body last night that I couldn't sleep because my whole body was literally trembling with excitement and happiness for hours and unable to stop from overload.  That physical outpouring is not something I can stop.  Just the thought of you being closer inspires me and gives me so much unbridled hope. My fantasies run wild.  

I am honestly not sure how I would be able to cope having you so close and still having our relationship confined to just one little box.  For that reason I have appreciated the distance this past year, it has allowed me to slow down and keep a mini safety wall up when I am already somewhat vulnerable.  

But ultimately I want something different.  I don't want my walls up with someone I love.  I don't want the happiness I have in a relationship confined to a box.  

I want so much more in my life.  My life is getting better every day and being able to say I am living with intention is the greatest accomplishment I've made in a while.  Obviously I still work at it every day...some things are harder than others.  

Whew, didn't mean to say all that.  I just get into a writing mood and go forever sometimes!  

My boys

Embracing having a full on love fest with my kiddos today.  So much fun!  Took Wyatt out of daycare since I had nothing on my schedule today and I spent the day with him alone.  Can't say the last time I did that.  I always have both of them usually.

Anyways, it was major flashbacks to when I was home with just Peter.  That was a nice time for me.  We went to breakfast together, went to a playgroup, did storytime at the library, came home for naptime and didn't get one (boo!), then picked up Peter and went to play at the park.

I never got to do much stuff with Wyatt.  With Peter I went to all kinds of baby groups and made friends there.  And Peter and I spent 24/7 with each other every day until he was 3 years old.  He will always be MY little boy.  We know each other so well.

With Wyatt I couldn't drag big bro bouncy Peter anywhere so I always felt guilty Wyatt missed out.  Silly little things to worry about.  But between that and having a dad that was completely checked out and a mom that was just trying to mentally survive I think I will always have guilt that he missed out on some things in babyhood.

Anyways today was fun.  Wyatt was a good boy at playing and we had lots of smiles.  When we had circle time and had to get up and do the hokey pokey he sat on his butt and looked at everyone like they were crazy.  Made me laugh.

He is definitely a complete goof.  He likes to play pretend, color, and listen to stories.  Amazing how brothers can be so different.  Peter didn't have the patience for those things.