My kids are a big part of that. I want them to know that they are loved, and never doubt that. I want to be able to take care of them, give them a variety of experiences in life and raise them to be good men. I want them to be confident, loving, and adventurous. I want them to know they always have an accepting home to return to .
I want to find the things that make me happy and have the courage to pursue them. I want to do the best that I can in this life, but still forgive myself if I make mistakes along the way. I want people to know what I genuinely cared for and see that I followed through with it. I want to be someone that appreciates the good things that came her way instead of wishing for things I didn't have. (That is one of the hardest ones for me...or atleast one I work on nearly every day.)
I want to be someone that is always working to make myself better. I need to release my resentments and anger at things that have happened in the past. I want to be someone that trusts people again. I want to stop withholding things from people and be open and have faith in others. I don't want to be remembered as someone with a bunch of walls up. I want to be happy and loving and try to guide others to make the world a kinder place.
All these things require that I am mindful of what I do with my days. I try to be mindful of how I deal with my kids, I try to be mindful of how I approach my schooling, I try to be mindful of how I approach my relationship with you.
I appreciate every single smile and laugh and true connection we have. I enjoy my time with you immensely and want so much more from you. And that's where I start to worry. I want so much more. I am trying to accept what is, what we have, without wanting more. It is hard for me. I am so ready to dive in deep with you and yet part of me is holding back because I am so afraid you may never be ready for that. I don't want to push you into anything just to lose the exquisite joys I get being with you now. I hold back because I don't want that kind of disappointment.
The thought of you living so close, or even visiting a site close to me sent so many endorphins and so much dopamine through my body last night that I couldn't sleep because my whole body was literally trembling with excitement and happiness for hours and unable to stop from overload. That physical outpouring is not something I can stop. Just the thought of you being closer inspires me and gives me so much unbridled hope. My fantasies run wild.
I am honestly not sure how I would be able to cope having you so close and still having our relationship confined to just one little box. For that reason I have appreciated the distance this past year, it has allowed me to slow down and keep a mini safety wall up when I am already somewhat vulnerable.
But ultimately I want something different. I don't want my walls up with someone I love. I don't want the happiness I have in a relationship confined to a box.
I want so much more in my life. My life is getting better every day and being able to say I am living with intention is the greatest accomplishment I've made in a while. Obviously I still work at it every day...some things are harder than others.
Whew, didn't mean to say all that. I just get into a writing mood and go forever sometimes!
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