My Mistake

I feel like one of my biggest mistakes the last time was me not focusing exclusively on building and growing my relationship with you.  I was in my own head a lot and didn't respect that you (and we) needed to heal whatever had happened between us before you moved in and to also establish a solid trusting baseline to start out on.  Our relationship was still unstable and I didn't recognize or value that.

Instead I applied whatever John and I had agreed on in our 10 year relationship to a brand-new relationship with you and that was wrong.  I know that now.  So stupid.  You and I were an entirely different relationship with entirely different expectations and rules that needed discovered, and entirely different levels of trust that still needed to be built.

I recognize now that me going out with other guys probably really fucked with your head and confused you. I felt a shift in you after that and I just kinda brushed it aside when I really should have done something.  I can't even explain it now except that it was just how I was living right then and I didn't stop to process that I needed to change.

I'm sorry that I risked losing you over such stupid actions on my part.  I'm sorry I hurt you because you SO do not deserve it.  I'm sorry that I wasn't brave enough to talk to you about it or make the changes that I needed to make over the years.  I'm sorry that I didn't recognize how amazingly special your love is.  I'm sorry that it made you feel like I wasn't 100% devoted to you and to us.

I want this time to be different.  I understand now.

I understand that what I am able to get from you is so much more important to me than what I could get from anyone else.  The warmth and happiness I feel when I am with you is incomparable to anyone else on this planet.  The ways that you love me and take care of me and comfort me go so much deeper.  You have inspired me to get healthier, do better at my job, be a better mom, be a better woman, and to explore my own definition of love.  Most of these you have done several times over the years.  Everything you have ever done for me has made me into a better person.

I am so grateful.  Whether you know it or not you have formed a significant part of who I am as a woman.

I want you to know how important you are to me and how I value every moment.  I want you to know that you are the only one that I desire.  I want you to know that everything that you are is the amazing person I want by my side.  I want you to know that you are the only one I want to share my life with.  I don't want to fuck that up by having insignificant other people in my life.  I want our relationship right now to be closed and tight and have that solid foundation that it will need to go the long haul because I want you around for a while.